The past year and half felt like a long time and was an intense time of learning, hurt, trying to let go but failing, and finally letting go. I learned a lot from the relationships I had since the long term boyfriend and I broke up, and would be happy to share these with you.
I think I was living my relationships in fear, fear that I would never be able to settle down and have children, and fear that I would be single with 10 dogs. I realized that even though I wanted to get married, it is really really really important to find someone who you want to be with and who you can build a life with, not just for the sake of “getting married” as the “next step”.
Frequent Fights Does Not Equal a “Good Relationship”
With the long term boyfriend, we had frequent fights, but we would also have some great times together. Our arguments got a little out of hand at times and ultimately it really disintegrated our relationship and we were unable to communicate with each other.
I thought that we had chemistry but ultimately we did not have compatibility because our values were not the same. The energy that I spent crying, upset, angry, and emotional could have been spent better elsewhere and I realized finally (after back and forth back and forth discussions of potentially “getting back together”) that it was not going to work and it will never work. Some fundamental aspects of a relationship (like trust) was broken and it would take a lot of effort to repair, which neither of us were interested in putting in.
You Have to Respect the Person and Enjoy Their Company
Although one person I dated seemed to have similar values to me, I did not respect him because I did not feel he valued being considerate to others. For me, it is important that I respect the person otherwise I tend to be not very nice and that does not make me feel very good.
Related: Is Debt a Deal Breaker?
When you feel that your energy is drained spending time with that person, trust your gut instincts to know that perhaps this person is not the person you want to spend your time with. If you feel bored, or irritated or annoyed at them already then that is not a good sign!
Similar Values are Important. So Important!
Finding someone with similar values such as the way they view money, religion, whether they want children, whether they want to get married, and what they think of family is very important. When these do not align, even though there is chemistry, there will be conflict.
Related: How to Split the Costs of Dating
For example, in my last relationship, I found out he lived pay cheque to pay cheque and was in a bit of debt. We ate expensive meals, and really had the #YOLO mentality. I realized that this was not really who I am, I didn’t like to spend $100 a meal regularly on something that will just pass through my intestinal system and go into the toilet (sorry for being graphic). I started to micromanage him or try to manage him and change him, by trying to get him to save money, telling him about the TD-eseries etc. He said he valued saving for the future etc. but his actions did not match his words. He was very nice, very considerate but I think we just had different values. I felt that if we were arguing about money now, imagine what it would be like in the future?
Once You Get into a Relationship…
Before, the old me would just jump into a relationship right away, and when I found out values are dissimilar, I panick or just get a weird feeling in my stomach, and have doubts, overthink, and worry. I realize this is not the right way to go because once you jump into a relationship, it is really hard to get out.
Kind of like the movie Frozen! (I watched it yesterday, loved it!) She got engaged to someone after one day and realized that he was actually not the person she thought he was.
Readers, what do you think?