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I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news (well, not like anyone really gives a hoot!) but I think that the promising relationship with new guy I had been seeing for over half a year has deteriorated. It sucks. Especially sucks when you have to have to see your friends and acquaintances gush over each other's engagement and talk for two hours about what they are using for flowers for their wedding. It's hard not to panic because I am in my 30's now (not so young anymore but still thrifty) and although I don't feel old, I feel old, know what I mean?
But I am happy anyway. Pharrell Williams' catchy new song helps 🙂
Doomed From The Start?
Everything was going great for the first half of the relationship. He was sweet, kind, generous, chivalrous, thoughtful. The only thing was that we didn't have that ‘connection' and great conversation at times (though maybe that came after I heard “the news” so maybe that inadvertently affected our relationship somehow).
Related: Is Debt a Deal Breaker?
And the other thing was that he told me he was in debt. Now, I appreciated the honesty because the act of looking like we both liked to spend money on $50-$100 per person dinners was getting a bit much (unlike 90% of Vancouver, I'm not that much of a foodie).
Now, back to the debt. It wasn't very much. Heck I could have paid it off for him except that's not the point. The point was that the debt did not move and it kind of sucked because his debt felt like my debt. I evaluated it based on general net worth, not simply debt. If a guy had debt to invest that's totally fine but it was consumer debt. I tried my best to cook for him, get groceries, ensure that we stayed home for meals more often so that he could save money. But when I saw that the debt still wasn't moving I felt deflated and tired, and I couldn't see the goal in site. I felt guilty that we were splitting the costs of dating when I knew I had more money than he did. I started worrying about the future- will I have to financially support him? How will this affect the relationship dynamic? How will we build a future together? I don't think I made him feel very manly because of these thoughts I had.
We grew up with different financial values and consequently, we have different financial values. I would much rather save money so that I have a secure financial future and to build a future and retire early (not being “chained” to work but working because I want to) not to mention travel the world.
Related: Dealing with Long-Overdue Student Debt
Am I Shallow or Too Picky?
I am not sure if I am being too picky, too shallow, too selfish or what. I think it's because I am too selfish- I mean, who cares if he shares my money? Then sometimes I think that I worked so hard to save my money and I will end up bickering and arguing about how he is spending his money and my money.
I think compatibility and similar values are important- especially when it comes to looking for a long term lifelong partner. If you disagree on religion, children, or money it can work, I'm sure, but it will just take a lot of effort. Considering that 50% of marriages now end in divorce and most divorces are because of money (according to Huffington Post financial arguments early in the relationship are predictive of divorce), I think finding someone who has similar financial viewpoints as you is important. That being said, people can change (for example, Get Rich Slowly transitioned from spender to saver) but I don't want to make anyone change because most people don't change. Like I said many times, money whether we like it or not- symbolizes your values and priorities in life. Isn't a relationship and marriage about achieving and sharing life goals and experiences together?
Anyway, I am currently reading Marry Him: The Case for Setting for Mr. Good Enough so I can stop being so picky. Wish me luck!
Readers, do you think that different values when it comes to money affects your relationship?
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