You Pay For My Free
You see it is the sacrifice of people like these unselfish individuals that make my credit card benefits possible. I have to admit, I am not unselfish, I pay off my credit card balance monthly. I think there was one time in college (man, I need to get better college stories) when I mistakenly carried a balance for like a month, and that $7.58 in interest still bugs me. Visa doesn’t make money off me, in fact, I’m kind of greedy in that regard – I cost Visa a fair amount of money. If it weren’t for the saints that so graciously make minimum payments, and painstakingly ignore their balances month after month, those Visa boys would probably get wise to greedy jerks like myself who just sit there and soak up rewards.
The Not So Few, Not So Proud
I know there are plenty of you out there because I get some crazy good stuff in exchange for paying with plastic wherever I go. I mean 2-3% cashback on everything I buy in a year, that adds up to some pretty nice coin. I know people that take holidays every year withtheir favourite rewards cards, and that simply wouldn’t be possible if there weren’t lots of you giving-is-better-than-receiving types. In order for Visa to keep posting profits while giving me such cool stuff just for carrying their card with me, someone must be absolutely paying through the nose. The credit card companies must make insane amounts of profit off of your accounts and pretty much give you nothing in return, otherwise the business model just wouldn’t work. Your business is so valuable, and the consequent profit margins so high, that companies have to promise me more and more stuff in order to try and attract your debt, so I just can’t say enough about how happy you make me!
The Definition Of Altruistic
Just don’t expect to me to bail you out when you declare bankruptcy though. That would totally ruin my impression of you. I would have to cancel that whole canonization thing, and give up lighting a candle for you at night. Remember, it is out the goodness of your heart that you are doing this. I mean, it has to be right? No rational thinking person would be crazy enough to give a bank more for the privilege of spending money that they don’t have than they could ever hope to make by investing it in the stock market. I know you aren’t like those rude people over on Wall Street that are leveraged to levels that even dedicated spenders like yourself could never match. Those guys are real rascals. See, like you, they are fine with all that debt, but then they want me to pay it off for them! Even worse, they recruit all these suit-and-tie types to help them take it from me in the form of taxes and subsequent bailouts (even if they come up with cool names for it like “operation twist”). I know you’re not dishonest and crazy like those guys.
This One’s For You
You’re just a buddy that I’d like to have drinks with (after all, I know you like to buy). Just one of the guys/gals. Joe/Jane Average if you will. Interest payment-lovers, we salute you as true North American heroes! You singlehandedly live life as a testament to the values of materialism, lifestyle inflation, addiction to credit, and giving much more than you have, and for that I am thankful!